The past, the present and the future....

I remember when I was younger, all I wanted was to love and be loved.
I needed the tangible feeling of having someone there. I guess that's still the case now. I look back and I see how much my life has changed... How different I am. My circumstances don't define me, but my experiences have shaped me... does that make sense? My pain has made me stronger, my past has made me wiser, I'm just more... what's the word? ... certain, than most people. I have been a lot of places and I have seen a lot of things. I'm anything but perfect.


There's one thing that has always been a struggle for me... To this day I have trouble convincing myself of my self worth. For years I was told I would never be pretty enough, or skinny enough, or funny enough or smart enough to go anywhere or be happy. This of course made me believe that unless I made becoming these things my top priority, I would ultimately be a failure. So I would wake up hours before the bus came before school and fix my hair, brush my teeth 6 times (no joke), pick out the clothes I would change into at school and practice my smile in the mirror. Every day, without fail, in the 4th grade. Then at school, I would try and cover the "funny factor". I would jump to be the first person to tell a joke, or have a funny comeback. Laughter was what I lived for. I was, without a doubt, a people pleaser. I received happiness through making other people happy. It was a twisted system, but I was somehow content... at school anyway.

Unfortunately, I have carried these things with me, through Intermediate school, Middle school, and into High School. No matter how hard I try, the People Pleasing me pummels the Jesus Pleasing me and does it's thing. It has become more of an inevitability than a habit. I'm working all the time to change this... Someday things will change. In the meantime, I'm keeping my head up high and my feet on the ground... it seems like the best idea.

"We will overcome, by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony."

Until we meet again,
-Karleigh