The past, the present and the future....

I remember when I was younger, all I wanted was to love and be loved.
I needed the tangible feeling of having someone there. I guess that's still the case now. I look back and I see how much my life has changed... How different I am. My circumstances don't define me, but my experiences have shaped me... does that make sense? My pain has made me stronger, my past has made me wiser, I'm just more... what's the word? ... certain, than most people. I have been a lot of places and I have seen a lot of things. I'm anything but perfect.


There's one thing that has always been a struggle for me... To this day I have trouble convincing myself of my self worth. For years I was told I would never be pretty enough, or skinny enough, or funny enough or smart enough to go anywhere or be happy. This of course made me believe that unless I made becoming these things my top priority, I would ultimately be a failure. So I would wake up hours before the bus came before school and fix my hair, brush my teeth 6 times (no joke), pick out the clothes I would change into at school and practice my smile in the mirror. Every day, without fail, in the 4th grade. Then at school, I would try and cover the "funny factor". I would jump to be the first person to tell a joke, or have a funny comeback. Laughter was what I lived for. I was, without a doubt, a people pleaser. I received happiness through making other people happy. It was a twisted system, but I was somehow content... at school anyway.

Unfortunately, I have carried these things with me, through Intermediate school, Middle school, and into High School. No matter how hard I try, the People Pleasing me pummels the Jesus Pleasing me and does it's thing. It has become more of an inevitability than a habit. I'm working all the time to change this... Someday things will change. In the meantime, I'm keeping my head up high and my feet on the ground... it seems like the best idea.

"We will overcome, by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony."

Until we meet again,
-Karleigh

Don't leave me now, you're all I have.

I have learned, that when someone you have never met, someone who is a country away cares more about you than the people right beside you, and they don't even know the real you... you do whatever it takes to keep that person in your life.

Friendship is such an easy term. We throw it around like it's nothing. Anyone can be your friend. But when you find so much in common with another, so much that it's scary, you graduate from friendship, to sisterhood. I had a sister once. Yes, HAD. For about 3 years she was my hero. But all of that changed. Betrayal changes a relationship. You can't continue life with a sibling with such pain, and fear between you. I had to move on. I held onto that little bit of hope for far too long. But none of that matters now. God sent me someone who loves me unconditionally, listens to what I have to say, who gives it to me straight and makes me feel like I'm worth something. I can't even describe to you how much she means to me, even in the short time I have known her. We talk every day, inevitably and she can always make me laugh with her corny attempts to be funny(:

I can't imagine life without her now. Her entrance into my life was impeccably timed. And the way she can relate my present to her past is a blessing beyond belief. Words can't describe what she means to me. I know she is more than my biological sister could have ever been and the impact she is making on my heart will stay with me until the day I die... I can't wait to see what life has in store for us. She has become a part of my life I can never replace.

I love you Margie. With all of my heart. -Leighabug

I've learned that goodbyes always hurt.
It's true... they really do...
Pictures will never replace having been there.
Because I want to go back to that very moment in time, and I can't...
Memories, good and bad will bring tears.
Because I miss the past, and want to change my future.
And words can never replace feelings.
They just can't.

Ahhh, we meet again.

Hello, Blogging world.

So life has been crazy. School has been successfully murdering my schedule. And my emotions have been eating me whole. And to be absolutely honest with you, I'm tired of it! I can't seem to make it through a normal day without a constant reminder of the reality I have been trying to avoid. I have learned that I can't avoid my life. I have to face it. I have to make a head on collision with this monster, or neither of us will come out of it. I have been doing research on some things these last few days, and it's becoming all too apparent that my past DID in fact happen, and It's not just something that I can close the cover on, put back on my bookshelf and continue on with my picture perfect life. Although I still have no answers... I'm becoming content. Now, whether that is a make or break factor to my current situation, only time can tell. I'm a part of a new youth group now, and I have never been happier. And I have acquired some wonderful new friends in the past few months... there are some keepers... (:

Comically confused
-Karleigh

Venting...?

Last night was a rough night... I just don't know what to do anymore... It's hard to love someone when they have hurt you so much. Yeah, she is my mother... and I try and be nice for the sake of my nanny. But... it's hard to forgive... much less forget... it's difficult. And then, thinking about my sister... it's almost impossible to comprehend why she would do what she did at that age... and for that long... and to her younger sister (I know you don't know what I'm talking about). And my dad... just sitting there watching it all happen to me and not doing a thing... It seems like the ones I should be closest to... the ones I should be able to confide in whenever something was wrong or I just wanted to talk, they just wanted to hurt me. I still don't know what I did wrong... Why I deserved all that happened. Now I sit and look at my friends, and their (seemingly) perfect families... Them being able to tell their mom or dad anything and not being embarrassed or scared. All I really wanted for Christmas was a family to love. And to be loved back... and treated like a person and not a Piece of dirt. So many unanswered questions... I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore...

Hoping your happy in your home...
-Karleigh

Everybody's got a song to sing(:

So, I have come to the conclusion that I am thoroughly obsessed with... lyrics? Yes. Lyrics. I really don't mind who is singing (unless it some disgusting sounding British guy... *cough*...NEWSBOYS!) I just love listening to the lyrics of songs and relating them to my life in the past, present, and/or future. Like, at the moment I am learning a song called "Tied Together With A Smile" by Taylor Swift.

{Chorus}
Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

A very well written song and one I can definitely relate to. But then the second verse,

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

It makes me think of one of my friends... Looking for acceptance and love through guys that toss her around like a football.
And sometimes I can find that one song that tugs at my heart so much because I know if I could have thought of it, I would have written the same exact thing. You can find a very detailed story in any song if you just listen... I'm a listener (:

Well, just thought I would share (:

Tacos, Cookies, Icing and Sprinkles! ... and a little bit of flour here and there.

It's been a long night. Went to Walmart, got supplies to make Christmas cookies, went to Taco Bell and ate... a taco. Then returned to my house out here in good ol' Deeeeecatur. I sat at my computer for about an hour learning a song for our spring choir concert coming up in a few months and at the same time listening to Taylor Swift. Yes, when it comes to music, I'm multi-talented (: For a while I thought I was going to bake cookies tomorrow. But, later on (9:45) I got a sudden burst of energy and began baking sugar cookies and dousing them in green icing and little green and red Christmas Tree sprinkles. After an hour of baking, my energy decreased and I brought my Christmas Cookie adventure to a halt. With 30 cookies made, a half a bag of dough still waiting to be "cookiefied" and yet another bag of dough waiting to be opened, it is very evident that I will most definitely be baking until very near Christmas Eve tomorrow. So, with flour on my cheeks, Taylor Swift continuing to blare through my speakers and a very impatient grandmother telling me to "wrap it up", I bid thee farewell and goodnight.

Merry day-before Christmas Eve!
-Karleigh